I have to write another brief post today, but wanted to share in the joy of my being able to shower regularly again! I no longer have to worry about the stream of water hitting my chest as it is no longer painful. This has made my life much easier and those around me much happier. At this time, it has been five weeks since surgery and it feels as though it’s been 6 months or so. Not to say that the pain is completely gone and doesn’t remind me it was only five weeks ago, but there are so many other things going on right now for M and I that it is hard to remember that I had surgery. It took almost no adjustment whatsoever. I have noticed that it is much easier for me to do things because I’m not constantly worried about hiding my breasts, thus my anxiety levels while out and about have decreased dramatically. What a wonderful experience it is to be in public without having to worry. I still feel anxiety around bathroom situations. I don’t think I’ve ever really discussed the stress I feel if I have to go the bathroom while out in public. I have never made it a habit to use men’s rooms as I feel the level of physical harm is greater to me within those rooms. However, some women are very territorial and are not always shy about expressing their opinions about me being “in the wrong bathroom”; at the very least, the glares I receive are enough to let me know that’s what they’re thinking. I had many more problems in Baltimore than I’ve had here. Partly because androgynous looking people are not as uncommon here as they were in Baltimore, but mostly because just living in Baltimore was stressful. While we were living there, M and I came up with non-verbal signals to get me out of the bathroom and we always make a point to be talking to one another when we go into bathrooms. I anticipate continuing to use women’s restrooms because they still feel less physically threatening, and I don’t really expect that there will be much difference in women’s reactions to me as my breasts were never really all that noticeable in the first place, but I have a heightened awareness about it now. I’m sure that will lessen in time, but bathrooms continue to provide a source of unique, everyday stress that some transgender or androgynous people experience.

I thought I would write a post today as it is my four week post-surgery anniversary. I don't have much time, so it will be brief. I think it's been about 5 days since I've taken any tylenol for any pain associated with my chest. Sleeping, shower, and fuctioning throughout the day have all become 100% easier in the last week. I don't think I've fully recovered, but would estimate I'm about 95% of the way there. I am super stressed with my thesis (due in 9 days), but was just offered a job in Oregon, which helps with some of the stress. In the next month I will be graduating and moving-I would expect those things to take a physical toll even without recently having surgery, so we'll see how it goes. Most of the scabs have come off my incisions and grafts, which is nice. I'm still wearing the dressings over the grafts due to the remaining scabs. There is still swelling around the incisions, but I anticipate that will be the case for the next few months. The best thing is that I don't feel as though my pain is prohibiting me from doing normal daily activities anymore.

Today marks my three week anniversary since having surgery. It is hard to believe that it has been three weeks, it seems as though it has been both forever ago and just yesterday. This Friday marks two weeks before my thesis is due and that has rapidly taken on a greater importance than trying to adjust to living without breasts (which has been surprisingly easy, aside from my still feeling slightly naked without having to wear a bra or the binder). Last week was hard as it was my first week back, but it got incrementally easier each day. This week is a bit easier in terms of having energy to do things-I no longer feel completely exhausted, just partially exhausted. I did manage to over extend myself both Monday and yesterday while teaching. It’s hard to write on a chalkboard, never mind having to erase from it. Being the third week after surgery, today also marks the last day I have to wear dressings over the grafts. This is the final thing that I’ve been instructed to do by Dr. Brownstein, so it’s nice to come to the “end” of his instructions. I have, however, begun using a topical “scar” cream on my incisions and have started taking vitamin E everyday. There are no guarantees with the scar cream or the vitamin E, which is fine, as scars aren’t something that I’m overly concerned about. I’m using these more to be proactive about my recovery than out of worry for my aesthetics. I still have a scab on one of the drain holes but noticed the scab had fallen off of the other drain hole. The grafts are mostly still covered with scabs, but those are falling off little by little. It will be interesting to see if they start to fall off more after I stop wearing the dressings.
Recent life experiences have reminded me about another way trans folk sometimes transition; for some trans individuals changes are made to the name they go by. Taylor is actually my last name, something I started being referred to when we moved here to San Francisco. My first and middle names are beautiful names, they go together very nicely and it is a very classy old-fashioned combination. I’ve never really felt comfortable with the names, however, and Taylor seems to be more fitting for me. It’s hard to write about this because it’s hard to try to verbalize how the name I was given before birth and have had for 25 years doesn’t feel right; in my family's mind, it is the right name and I know the importance behind the reason it was given to me. Deciding to go by Taylor was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made throughout this entire process. Most of the difficulties in that decision had to do with fear of disappointing my parents. I didn’t even tell them about the change until this past January when I came out to them as trans and told them I intended to have chest surgery (though I didn’t know at the time the surgery would be more immediate than not). I assume they already knew about my going by Taylor as both of my sisters have visited me here and heard friends refer to me as such (and because at least one of my sisters has difficulties keeping things secret even when asked to…though I don’t remembering asking them to keep this a secret). My parents actually seemed more upset about the name change than anything else during our conversation in January. Going by my last name without having made any legal changes to my name gets confusing at certain times, in certain contexts. I have gone for months here without experiencing this, aside from M having to remember who she’s talking to and by what name that person knows me as-but that’s more complicated for her than for me. Recently, however, there have been multiple times and contexts that have been complicated. In the past week, I have had two phone interviews for jobs and have been to the dentist. In these contexts, my full name is required and consequently, my first name has been used. While at the dentist’s office last week, the dentist came to the waiting room looking at my chart. Upon looking at my name, she stopped in the doorway and looked around the office as though she was very confused. She had hesitated for about 15 seconds (even though I was literally the ONLY person in the waiting room) before I finally told her that I was probably who she was looking for. These types of experiences were part of what prompted my decision to go by Taylor in the first place (did I mention that my first name is what M refers to as an 80-year old woman’s name?). It was more awkward to tell people I go by my last name right after I started doing so, it has certainly become easier to do so, but still presents unique situations that have to be negotiated. Again, this isn't a unique or common experience to being trans; but it is another layer that comprises some trans folks' transitions.

Thus far, my time back at school and work has been somewhat stressful due to a general lack of energy on my part. I’d forgotten how physically exhausting surgeries can be-I haven’t been this tired since suffering from sleep apnea. I wish I had had the time to stay home a few more days, I think a full two week recovery would have been better; but this is certainly doable. I took the tape off of my incisions last night and have now seen everything. The incisions were not as scary as I had thought they might be, though they go further than I thought they would. I didn’t expect them to go almost all the way to my sides, but they do. I am feeling the results of the surgery more today than in recent days. I don’t know if it’s related to having taken the tape off, or if the activity of the last couple of days is catching up with me. I imagine it’s probably a combination of both. Today is my last day for wearing the binder. I look forward to being able to go without it, though found it easy to adjust to wearing. It pretty much feels the same as when I wore my sports bras-just over a larger area. I did start wearing a t-shirt underneath it, which I found to be more comfortable. I am also still wearing button-up shirts over the binder, though I’m sure I could wear over-the-head shirts, as I am able to put the t-shirts on without too much effort. I’m really very pleased with the entire outcome; it feels as though I have my “perfect” body back and while I know my breasts weren’t really visible when I wore my bras before, I certainly feel much more comfortable in my body, aside from the residual pain. As far as sleeping goes, I’m still mostly doing so on my back (with a pillow on my chest in case my cats decide to jump on me). I have been able to sleep slightly on my sides, but it does cause more discomfort than sleeping on my back. I look forward to being able to sleep in any position! Ok, enough about me...I have something I think is important to share.
The first day of my trans class, my professor read stories about different scenarios in which people face transphobia, one of those stories has stuck with me. I am still having trouble wrapping my head around all of the implications of the story and will probably be frustrated with my attempt to discuss them-but I’ll give it a shot anyway. The story was about a boy in high school. We’ll call him Tim; he identifies his sexual orientation as being straight and even has a girlfriend with whom he is very happy. He is involved in drama, enjoys wearing make-up, and has rather effeminate mannerisms. Tim often finds himself the target of jokes and other forms of harassment from many of his peers-they think he’s really gay. When he complains to the administration, they label his peers’ behavior as homophobic though it is in fact transphobic behavior. I recognize the importance of homophobia and being able to talk about it and fight it. Before hearing this story, however, I never recognized that many behaviors described as homophobic are actually transphobic because of our society’s tendency to assume gendered behavior translates to sexual orientation. I will be the first to admit that when I see men engaging in overtly effeminate behavior I make assumptions about their sexual orientation. The emphasis placed on “appropriate” gendered behavior by social norms and mores is hugely limiting to many individuals in our society, especially males. When males respond in “femmy” ways, we label them as deviant in terms of their sexual orientation; thus reinforcing the importance of both masculinity and heterosexuality. It has been eye-opening for me to think about this as a form of transphobia rather than homophobia because it has forced me to begin divorcing gender and sexual orientation. I’ve known intellectually for years that there is a split, but upon hearing this story I fully understood the impact of what that split means. Possibly, the most important meaning is that transphobic behavior such as this negatively affects more people than those identifying as transgender. You don’t have to be trans identified in order to experience instances of transphobia which makes transphobia a very common enemy.

Yesterday was my postoperative suture visit with Dr. Brownstein. I was grateful that I had kept a final pain pill for the visit as I can’t imagine how much more it would have hurt had I not had the pill. The appointment lasted only ten minutes or so. Dr. Brownstein was very direct in removing the sutures, he certainly didn’t hold back for fear of hurting me. He removed each individual suture from one side and I was once again reminded that the pain had to be repeated by having it done on the other side. While he was removing the sutures I asked him how many there were and he says that he doesn’t count because there are just too many. When he was done removing the sutures he applied adhesive to the incisions and placed tape over the adhesive; the adhesive really stung as it was being applied but it didn’t last that long. He then applied Polysporin to the nipple grafts and covered them with 2 x 2 gauze. The binder was then put back on and I was done. Again I felt residual pain from the procedure but that only lasted for about an hour and after the pain pill wore off I took some more Tylenol and that was enough to help. Last night when M got home we took the binder off so that I could shower. It was very stressful and emotional for us both. I was worried that M would find me less attractive and M was apparently worried that I wouldn’t be pleased with the results. Both fears proved to be unfounded although M admits to being a little queasy at seeing the grafts not because of how they looked on me but rather just the general thought of the surgical process that created them. The tape covers the incisions, so we haven’t seen everything yet, but it was exciting to see the results. I know that it takes anywhere from six months to a year to fully heal which is somewhat frustrating, but so far it seems great. There are rules about removing the dressings from the grafts as well as about showering—so the prospect of removing the dressings and the actual shower was very stressful. I asked M to shower with me so that it would be less stressful, and it was. I stood in front of her as far away from the water as I could get and removed the showerhead from the holder so I could direct the flow of water without fear of too much water getting on my chest. I’m sure that I will take fewer precautions as I take more showers…luckily the tape only stays on for another week and the dressings only have to be applied for another two weeks. The grafts weren’t quite what I was expecting although it sounds silly they looked more stitched on than I expected, but Dr. Brownstein seemed very pleased with them, so I feel reassured that all is well in that regard. Since I live in the area he asked me to make a follow-up appointment in 4-6 weeks. I have the wear the binder for another week, but was told I can wear a t-shirt underneath it, if that is more comfortable. When I go back to campus on Monday, I will definitely take advantage of that. I’m apprehensive about my return. This semester, Mondays have been my long days on campus (13 hours); I’m not doing the full 13 hours this first Monday, but still have to be there for about 8 hours. I’m taking “half” days the rest of the week too, trying to ease myself back into the swing of things. I have been getting out each day since my drains were removed, and each time has been for longer periods of time, but I still tire easily and nap often. I am looking forward to feeling better and am feeling consistently better especially because I was offered a phone interview for a job that I really want. Wish me luck!