Thus far, my time back at school and work has been somewhat stressful due to a general lack of energy on my part. I’d forgotten how physically exhausting surgeries can be-I haven’t been this tired since suffering from sleep apnea. I wish I had had the time to stay home a few more days, I think a full two week recovery would have been better; but this is certainly doable. I took the tape off of my incisions last night and have now seen everything. The incisions were not as scary as I had thought they might be, though they go further than I thought they would. I didn’t expect them to go almost all the way to my sides, but they do. I am feeling the results of the surgery more today than in recent days. I don’t know if it’s related to having taken the tape off, or if the activity of the last couple of days is catching up with me. I imagine it’s probably a combination of both. Today is my last day for wearing the binder. I look forward to being able to go without it, though found it easy to adjust to wearing. It pretty much feels the same as when I wore my sports bras-just over a larger area. I did start wearing a t-shirt underneath it, which I found to be more comfortable. I am also still wearing button-up shirts over the binder, though I’m sure I could wear over-the-head shirts, as I am able to put the t-shirts on without too much effort. I’m really very pleased with the entire outcome; it feels as though I have my “perfect” body back and while I know my breasts weren’t really visible when I wore my bras before, I certainly feel much more comfortable in my body, aside from the residual pain. As far as sleeping goes, I’m still mostly doing so on my back (with a pillow on my chest in case my cats decide to jump on me). I have been able to sleep slightly on my sides, but it does cause more discomfort than sleeping on my back. I look forward to being able to sleep in any position! Ok, enough about me...I have something I think is important to share.
The first day of my trans class, my professor read stories about different scenarios in which people face transphobia, one of those stories has stuck with me. I am still having trouble wrapping my head around all of the implications of the story and will probably be frustrated with my attempt to discuss them-but I’ll give it a shot anyway. The story was about a boy in high school. We’ll call him Tim; he identifies his sexual orientation as being straight and even has a girlfriend with whom he is very happy. He is involved in drama, enjoys wearing make-up, and has rather effeminate mannerisms. Tim often finds himself the target of jokes and other forms of harassment from many of his peers-they think he’s really gay. When he complains to the administration, they label his peers’ behavior as homophobic though it is in fact transphobic behavior. I recognize the importance of homophobia and being able to talk about it and fight it. Before hearing this story, however, I never recognized that many behaviors described as homophobic are actually transphobic because of our society’s tendency to assume gendered behavior translates to sexual orientation. I will be the first to admit that when I see men engaging in overtly effeminate behavior I make assumptions about their sexual orientation. The emphasis placed on “appropriate” gendered behavior by social norms and mores is hugely limiting to many individuals in our society, especially males. When males respond in “femmy” ways, we label them as deviant in terms of their sexual orientation; thus reinforcing the importance of both masculinity and heterosexuality. It has been eye-opening for me to think about this as a form of transphobia rather than homophobia because it has forced me to begin divorcing gender and sexual orientation. I’ve known intellectually for years that there is a split, but upon hearing this story I fully understood the impact of what that split means. Possibly, the most important meaning is that transphobic behavior such as this negatively affects more people than those identifying as transgender. You don’t have to be trans identified in order to experience instances of transphobia which makes transphobia a very common enemy.