As I reflect on the fact that my surgery is a week from today, I can’t help thinking about how amazing the entire process getting here has been. While the surgery will not stand as the end to a years-long struggle with my gender identity, I hope it does stand as the culminating experience of a general unhappiness with my body. I know I will continue to struggle with my gender identity because I know I still hold some internalized transphobia. The transphobia is mostly related to society’s general inability to accept any sort of difference as a positive thing, especially one seen by so many people as such an unnatural difference. Having been out, in terms of sexual orientation, for going on ten years, I am familiar with this type of personal struggle as related to internalized phobias. I don’t know how, or when, I got to the point of embracing my non-normative sexual orientation as an entirely positive thing, but I’m certain I have. I’m also certain that I will be able to embrace my non-normative gender identity as an entirely positive thing, but that it will take longer. Getting back to my hope that the surgery will help end my experiences of feeling disgust with my body and reflecting on the process it took to get to being only a week away from surgery, I can’t help but feel amazed at the support I’ve been given. I have a partner who is wholly supportive and loving and has provided a continuous safe place for me in this frightening journey. I recognize that I am lucky because of this-not everyone can say the same. My family loves me. I have no doubt about that. They might have questions, and never fully understand my need to do this, but regardless, I know they will always be supportive of me. That too is amazing. There are far too many stories about families disowning their children/siblings because of sexual orientation or gender differences. The other thing that I am reflecting upon is my access to this. This is not an inexpensive surgery, it costs $7,550. It is not covered by most insurance policies; it is certainly not covered by mine. While I don’t ever plan on taking testosterone or undergoing more surgeries to further masculinize myself, I recognize that all of that would come at great cost too. Living in the same city with my surgeon, one of the best in the country, is fortuitous as I have already discussed that it would be more costly to have the surgery done were we to wait until we moved. This discussion of cost is a very important one to have. I can not speak for those who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford this type of procedure, but it’s important to try to imagine how difficult it must be for them. My breasts aren’t overly large, that is not always the case for other people who wish to have this surgery. The lengths they go to in order to hide their breasts are probably even more extensive and painful than what I’ve had to do. I can’t even begin to imagine how much worse I would have felt were I not able to hide my breasts as easily as I’ve been able to do. Access is such an important issue-trans people are dying because they don't have access to safe medical procedures. I learned recently that while in the process of trying to feminize or masculinize themselves, some trans folk are injecting various body parts with foreign substances in order to enhance the body part(s). These “silicone” injections have less silicone (because of expense) than other substances such as mineral oil. These injections have a tendency to “migrate” over time and cause immeasurable damage to individuals including, in some instances, death. Again, this is an area in which I do not have nearly all of the facts; this topic can (and should) be researched elsewhere. I raise this issue because it has to do with access. I have access to this surgery and want to recognize the importance of that fact. I think it is also important to recognize those who don’t have access and the lengths they go to change their bodies.