In about two and a half weeks I am having chest surgery, or more specifically, a bi-lateral mastectomy with areolar reconstruction. Never fully identifying as female I was mortified when I discovered what would happen to my body when I reached puberty. The development of breasts was deeply upsetting to me and I tried to hide them as much as possible through wearing baggy clothes, sports bras, and hunching over. Unfortunately, this last technique to hide them has led to me having awful posture and a weak lower back that often tires and hurts a great deal. For the last 4 years, or so, I’ve taken to wearing Frog Bras from Title 9 Sports, described on their website as “major mashers”. I can attest to this as they do a great job of minimizing my breasts, though the tightness of them leads to permanent bruising under my arms. Off and on for the last 6 years or so I have fantasized about having chest surgery, though it wasn’t until this past December that the “far-off possibility of what may be” dream I had solidified into a more concrete feeling. Again, I think this relates to my being in San Francisco and meeting so many other trans folk. Seeing the courage these people have to live their lives, as they feel most comfortable has given me a sense of strength that I previously didn’t have. I think I would have gotten this sense of strength had we not moved here, but it would have taken longer than it has. In deciding to have the surgery I feel that I was able to fully embrace a transgender identity and let go of some of the notion I had in my head that I wasn’t trans enough. I used to believe that if you had any type of surgery or took any hormones that that meant you were transsexual and as I have never identified as transsexual I didn’t think I was “allowed” to have this type of surgery.
When the concreteness of this decision sunk in my partner and I started discussing both who should perform the surgery and when it should be done. My partner loves to research things on the Internet and quickly took charge of finding who should perform the surgery. There are a couple of doctors in San Francisco and it was decided that among them, Dr. Brownstein had the best reputation so we got information from him regarding the surgery and went from there. As far as the timing of the surgery, I initially thought it would still be a year or two away because of the cost. But my partner and I are moving to Portland this summer after I graduate and it seemed like such bad luck that we found a good surgeon where we are currently living but are planning on moving from. It didn’t occur to me that I could do this before we left mostly because it is my last semester and I’m trying to get my thesis written. My partner, however, pointed out that if we wait a year or so we would have to pay even more because we would have to pay for a place to stay the week or so after the surgery. She also thought that there would never be a good time and that we are never really going to have the money unless we make it a priority. This summer marks the beginning of a 12 month period in which we are moving, buying a car, having a ceremony and maybe trying to get pregnant…as I said, we weren’t going to have the money unless we prioritized this. The initial thought of doing it before we moved was -“that’s really really really soon!” That feeling faded as I became more comfortable with the whole idea and realized that this really is the best time for the surgery. When we move to Portland I will be getting a “real” job and it would be easier for me if I started that “real” job in a body I feel comfortable and confident in. I have no idea if I will feel more comfortable and confident in a body without breasts, but I certainly did when I was younger and I don’t really know how I could feel less comfortable and confident than I do now.